To "The 13 Reasons Why" Binge Watcher
I know I am not alone when it comes to the binging??? (binge watching?) of "13 Reasons Why".
This show was intense, real, and raw. It left myself, and what I assume many others, feeling almost "broken". I am going to be blunt here, because it needs to be said. Suicide is real.
494,169 people visited a hospital for injuries due to self-harm, suggesting that approximately 12 people harm themselves for every reported death by suicide. Suicide was the second leading cause of death for adults between the ages of 10 and 34 years in the United States.
I have lost friends to suicide. I have watched close friends & family deal with the aftermath and pain of losing a child or loved one to suicide. I have held a teenager in my arms that felt like suicide was their last option.
As promised, I have vowed to be real on this blog. This is a place of no judgment and truth. When I was 14 I dealt with a serious cases of bullying, and maybe it was my fault that it was inflicted upon me. I absolutely made choices and said stupid lies to "try to be cool" but nothing that deserved the way I was treated. There were things done and said to me that I never would wish on another person, and to this day it still absolutely kills me to talk about. I was the new kid. I wanted to be liked. I yearned to be accepted. I tried to play cool, made things up to make myself seem cooler, which was not right, and was very much the opposite of cool.
Also, though I received many forms of bullying for things I never did, things that just simply weren't true, I was also bullied for things I couldn't change... The way I looked. The shape of my face. People loved to call me "flat face, "pug", "shovel face". These phrases may sound like nothing to you, hell they may even sound funny now reading them off of this "20 something year old" blogger’s page, that currently has tears rolling down her face even typing these words. But it's not funny. It hurts. It hurt then, and it hurts now. I couldn't walk the halls without hearing someone whisper one of those nasty phrases. I would open my AOL IM to find pictures people had made comparing my face to nasty, ugly creatures. It started to consume me. There were days I came home from school and would look in the mirror and puke, disgusted with what I saw.
I finally hit rock bottom. I lost any happiness I had inside me anymore. My mother described me as lifeless. My smile, was gone. My carefree laughter, gone. I had became an empty shell of someone who couldn't stand what they saw. I had no friends. The friends I did have ended up not liking me because I tried so hard (too hard) to "be cool" that I would just turn them away. When you are 14 this seems like rock bottom, and for me, it was.
I sat down and contemplated my options. How I would go forward with taking my life. I thought about my parents, how they would cope, how they would move forward with life. I thought about never making to get married, have children, buy my first home. I thought of everything 20 years down the road. God knew my plan way before I did. He told me, now is not your time.
I called my mom while she was at work - I can remember it clear as day. I told her I needed her home now, and that if I didn't get help today would be the end. She knew it wasn't just a false cry for attention. She had seen the decline in me over the months.
She came home, she held me while I sobbed, screamed, and fought. She told me we would get through it, together. She took me to school the next day, withdrew me, contacted my new school and explained the situation. They welcomed me with open arms. I started therapy to get the help I needed to rebuild my confidence in myself.
This outcome is rare. It's is not often that a teen’s "cries for help" are actually heard and action is taken. It may seem dramatic to many that someone young would take their life, simply because of what others say. But words hurt. Words especially hurt when you are a teen and have no idea how to translate those feelings, which can result in an outcome that is irreversible.
Can you imagine if I didn't have the help I needed? I would never have met my beautiful daughter. I would never have been able to see all I was capable of. I would have stolen the happiness of my parents. I would have never met the love of my life. Suicide is real and affects so many. The show "13 Reasons Why" is a true showcase of what suicide is, why it happens, and how those around are harmed by it. I am truly in awe at the impact it can and will make on the lives of young adults.
I know the content above may come as a shock to many, and some may simply not believe it. But, know that this is real. What may seem like a perfect life on the outside, isn't always on the same on the inside. It is hard for me to write this, never-the-less for me to post it. But if this can/will help ONE person, I know that it is worth it.
Please, I am begging you. If you are feeling alone, scared, sad, mad, helpless, please know that you are NOT alone. You are loved by someone. If you feel like you are not, come to me, call me, message me. I am here. I will love you & support you. Nobody should ever hurt alone.