I am sitting here (rushing) with just 22% battery left on my Macbook. It's 10pm on a Saturday, and I could tell you about how I had the best day, filled with play dates, shopping, family time, and ending with a perfect date night. But, that's not the reality of it.
The reality is, today started with Parker (sadly) looking for her "Memaw 2". But, "Memaw 2" wasn't home when she woke up today, because yesterday we moved her into an Assisted Living facility. Sadly, this was the last option for us, as her dementia had became too severe, and my mother and I are flooded with full time jobs, "single motherhood", and many other obstacles. Unfortunately, we weren't able to give her the care & (medical) attention she deserved & needed anymore.
My heart has been heavy feeling guilty about my grandmother and her move. I also have other issues that some people know about, and some don't. Issues and worries that I would never wish on any parent. My mind stays racing every single hour, of every single day, fearing for my daughter's future. She is my world, and that is not a secret to anyone.
I often receive messages from other moms and women that I know, telling me about how much they "respect" and "commend me" for my hard work and dedication to my daughter, as a "single" mother. These words always give me a boost and a reminder that "Hey maybe I am doing something right". But, the reality is... somedays it's hard. I worry, I cry, I fret and dwell on the bad, and not the good.
Today was one of those days. I was sad. Sad for many reasons that don't need to be paraded on the internet. I am constantly trying to encourage others, and give them hope through the darkness, but today I was swamped in "the darkness".
I got home tonight, slammed the bathroom door, filled the tub with warm water & a lavender bath bomb, grabbed my newest devotional, and I sobbed. I sobbed for 15+ minutes, gathered myself, turned off my phone, and turned my devotional to the date - April 1st, 2017. With tears rolling down my face, this is what I read:
"Worry or Trust? It's Your Choice"
"Worry does no good and can impact your life in negative ways. I'm sure you have noticed how absolutely powerless you feel when you worry, or you're anxious and troubled, because worry is indeed completely useless. It is a waster of time and energy because it never changes your circumstances."
On this day, April 1st 2017, I opened this devotional and found EXACTLY what I needed, specifically for the day I had... A day full of worry, tears, and fears. That's incredible. A weight was lifted as each word met my eyes. God's plan is greater. Though somedays it may seem like you are walking through fire to get there... It'll be worth it.
I titled this "Reality" because though this is a blog to uplift people, it is also a place of "realness". Real life people, feelings, and things. Yes, most of my days are filled with smiles, cute toddler pics, awesome fashion finds, and motivation... But, somedays are simply filled with the reality of fear, life, and tears.
"Be kind. For everyone you meet is fighting a battle you may know nothing about"